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Saturday, 10 January 2009

Sunday, 06 July 2008

Saturday, 05 July 2008

  • Do You Smother Your Loved One?

    I just read an interesting article from men turned off by the fact that their girlfriends and wives are too clingy and possessive. They explained that while they were at work the women had ample "me time" but when they were at home the women became a second appendage, often disabling them from the quality time they so needed themselves.

    I know exactly how they feel when it comes to quality time to one's self. There is nothing like being with someone 24/7 and literally feeling like your essence is being zapped away from you because someone is so insecure with the fact that maybe you need to be alone for a moment just to recharge. I have been in innumerous arguments trying to explain that just because I need some time alone didn't mean I was ready to throw the relationship away.

    I have friends (female) that literally suck the life essence from their men because they need to know the guy's every movement, every detail, every thought. When the guy wants to hang out with his friends or family it becomes a major production, oftentimes where the guy has to lie just to get a few moments away. I sympathize because I know what that is like, you feign work for the weekend to have a moment of peace and tranquility.

    A couple of my friends don't quite understand that relationships are built on compromise, trust and understanding. Going to the gym doesn't necessarily mean he is checking out the women at the gym, but perhaps he is actually going to the gym to work out. Working out is a great form of stress release, not add stressors prior.

    I know a few of the men that I have dealt with find that I am quite the opposite of what they normally deal with. I actually respect another person's time and space, and I don't feel like each waking moment I should possess. We have things to do, people to see, and money to make. I would actually get harassed because I didn't call all day everyday just for the sake of calling.

    When a person can't get a simple moment of silence just to recharge, animosity can build towards the other person. Think about it, if you have children, you look forward to bedtime just so that you can have a break, watch TV or read that book you've been trying to read for ages. This doesn't mean you don't like your kids, but everyone knows that raising a child takes a great deal of time, energy, effort and most of all love. The same as a relationship. You must be able to nourish your relationship, cultivate it and step back and take a breather.

    This article explained that his girlfriend, now pregnant demands that he spends all of his time with her. Even when he gets home from work, a definite time to recharge, she is literally glued to him. He described how he sometimes just walks out of the door for an hour or two without telling her, simply because he knows she will balk about it. She feels as though time away from her would mean a new life that doesn't include her, and she simply cannot deal with it.

    Hmmmmmm, what's an hour away from the house? That seems to be enough time to drive around the corner a few times, or park your car somewhere and ponder your day before your mighty succubus steals your life force. What that sounds like to me is insecurity, which leads to possessiveness and crazed thoughts and feelings. You shouldn't worry about an hour away, worry when the person stops coming home period.
    So they want to spend time with family and friends, is that really so hard to accept? Their family and friends were definitely there before you were, they are just another extension of your loved one, that shouldn't wreck havoc on your home.

    Here are a few examples of someone who smothers their loved one:

    1. While they are on the phone you lurk in the shadows listening in and adding your commentary while they speak.

    2. You're first before you see their shadow.

    3. You know you don't like football, yet you're smack dab in the middle of the gang.

    4. They use the bathroom facilities with you (sometimes those private moments really should be PRIVATE)

    5. Sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, your face is covering up the headlines.

    (I'm poking fun at this, but some of these experiences are real.)

    I absolutely cringe whenever I hear, "I was nothing without this person in my life, now I am someone and I HAVE to spend every moment with them." Here is an eye-opener for you: You were someone before you met them, you are still someone with them!

    So how about using your children to keep a stronghold on your loved one? I just had a conversation earlier today with a friend where he explained to me that his friend's wife wouldn't let him pursue his musical career because of her insecurities, and literally told him he would never be able to see his son if he did. That is absolutely CRAZY! Love is not BINDING and should not be used to control someone....ever...

    Communication is the key to an effective relationship, however, discussing instances of smothering can be uncomfortable. There are tactful ways of explaining "me time." One could usually say that it is essential that I have at least an hour of downtime so that I can be my best with you. Assurance can help lessen the stress. For myself, since I am prone to awful mood swings, if I don't get my time, well let's just say that it isn't "pretty," and I even had to find tactful ways of saying, "I need to recharge my battery...."

    Sometimes people don't quite understand that smothering can run a person right out of the door. I know for myself, I tend to gravitate towards "standalone" players, because they have their own lives, their own sense of self and do not waste their energy reflecting on the amount of time we're not spending with each other. Too much time with each other can be a lethal combination, like lighters and paper. Think about it, if you are around someone all of the time, literally 24/7 you begin to notice their idiosyncrasies and begin to pick them apart. After awhile you no longer desire to be in the company of the person and do think about the "greener pastures."

    Respect for each other, especially time, space, family and friends can go a long way to achieving a greater appreciation for each other...

    The choice is yours...

  • Sex and Love: They Are Not The Same (Don't Get It Twisted)

    I just wanted to talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time. Sex and Love. I have had innumerous conversations with both men and women and had the opportunity to gain insight on their views on the subject matter. For most women that I have communicated with, their views are a bit distorted. A combination of reality and the "fairy tale." There are some men that would just rather have it known in the beginning that before they have sex with a woman she completely understands that he is not offering her a lifetime commitment, he's just offering her a release. For some women she interprets the act entirely different.

    Before we begin, let's just look at the definition of Sex and Love, although similar in definitions, they are not the same:

    sex
    n.
    1. The property or quality by which organisms are classified as female or male on the basis of their reproductive organs and functions.
    2. Either of the two divisions, designated female and male, of this classification.
    Females or males considered as a group.
    3. The condition or character of being female or male; the physiological, functional, and psychological differences that distinguish the female and the male.
    4. The sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself in behavior.
    5. Sexual intercourse.
    6. The genitals.

    love
    n.

    1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
    2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
    3. Sexual passion.
    4. Sexual intercourse.
    5. A love affair.
    6. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
    7. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
    An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
    8. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
    9. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
    Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
    often Love Christianity. Charity.
    Sports. A zero score in tennis.

    Ok so now that we have established that Sex and Love generally have "a" same meaning, trust me it is not the same thing. Let's delve into it a bit further:

    (I will use two people I have conversed with for analysis)

    Woman:

    Ok when we met dude was the finest thing ever to walk on earth. We met at this club, had a few drinks, good conversation and then he took me back to his place. He told me that I was definitely someone he wanted to get to know and hang out with. I thought he meant everything he said.

    It's now been three weeks since we have spoken, even though our time together was wonderful. That night was truly magical and I really believed he loved me because of the things he said to me while he was making love to me.

    Man:

    So I met this woman a few weeks ago at this club. She was beautiful man, and I just figured that "we could do the damn thing," because of the way she was diggin me. That shit was off the hook!

    Now she is stalking me man! Everytime my damn phone rings it's her leaving me all of these long drawn out messages of how she loves me. I broke a rule giving her my number in the first place man. All I did was give it to her the way she wanted it and "damn!"

    Interpretation:

    People say things in the throws of passion simply because at that particular moment in time they perceive it to be the right thing to say. When the smoke clears, life goes on and reality sets in.

    Just because he has had sex with you does not mean you should start planning your wedding. It is what it is. Pure, raw, unadulterated Sex. Does this mean that you can't have a fulfilling realtionship with the man you just slept with? Well it depends, if you have already had a relationship established (operative word here) then the sex just solidifies the relationship. Feelings intensify and Love (see how that works) comes into play.

    Now if you just met dude and 20 minutes later you two are "boning" then the answer would be "No" Think about it....You two just met, now you are ready to settle down...why? From this point you must be honest with yourself and and ask yourself some questions about what it is you really want from relationships. Be for real, not only with yourself but with your partner. Don't start trying to manipulate a situation for your own benefit, don't use sex as the tool to acquire a man or woman for that matter. Just keep it real. Don't start looking for the big house with the white picket fence and expect 2.3 kids running around and don't think that just because you "broke her off something proper like," that she is supposed to rush home, cook your dinner and pick up your dirty clothes. It is what it is...

    Sex is an act: in scientific terms it is called "copulation" which means "mating." Love is an emotion - Captivating, stimulating, undulating, resonating, vibrating. Ok so now I know you're probably wondering to yourself where do I get off discussing this anyway, and so I will tell you that it truly bothers me how just a simple act alone can cause so much confusion and heartbreak. If you have it established in the beginning that the act itself is just that, then the cause for alarm should not be there. If you just slept with someone and interpret it as something else, then there is an obvious problem. I could talk about this matter all day long. And it still probably wouldn't sink in.

    A great deal of people are lonely, brokenhearted, seeking something greater than what they may have now in their lives. Women view sex differently than men men view sex differently than women. Women see the act itself as offering herself to the man eternally, men unless they are in love view the act as just that "sex."

    Now I have been in situations where my attitude with sex is, "don't fall in love with me, let's just have sex," and it completely blows the man away....How could a woman have such an attitude towards sex. Well its quite simple actually, I don't use sex as a means to acquire, purposefully get pregnant to entrap someone, then complain because I am sitting somewhere bitter and lonely and trying to figure out how to feed all those mouths. I see it for what it is...an act.

    But don't get me wrong, when I am in love, then it is no longer sex, it is something completely different. Now it is something "spiritual" (you find when you get older, sex is more spiritual than just being with someone) When I love I love deeply and intensely. Our souls mesh as our bodies kiss, we're not trying to acquire each other for the sake of calling someone our own, we just know. That is a different level altogether...

    Basically this entire matter boils down to self-esteem. If you are secure within "self" then you don't need anyone to make you feel "complete." You won't have the need to "trap" another or misinterpet actions and words...you see things for what they truly are....

soulvisions

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    • Name: soulvisions
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 7/4/2008

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